Leyendo un post de "Khia" me he acordado de los exámenes médicos a los que te hacen someterte en la mayoría de las empresas.

Odio los reconocimientos médicos, sobre todo, porque te sacan sangre, y me mareo, vaya que no me encuentran ni el pulso, pero esa es otra historia.

Lo que me ha hecho recordar el post de Khía, es la vez, que al incorporarme a una empresa, me dijeron que me tenían que hacer un análisis de heces, además del de orina (ya sé que es muy escatológico, pero coñe, fue lo que me pidieron).

Yo jamás me había hecho un análisis de esos, así que para informarme llamé a mi madre:

- Mamá que me han dicho que tengo que hacerme un análisis de heces!!!!, ¿¿y si voy y no tengo ganas??

- Niña, ¿estás tonta o qué?, "eso" lo llevas de casa.

- ¿De casa? ¿dónde?

- Pues en unos tarritos que se compran en la farmacia.

- Mama, a mí me da corte ir a la farmacia, que el farmaceutico ya me conoce, pa' pedirle un tarrito pa meter "eso".

- Uff niña, a ti con los años no se te han quitado las tonterías, anda, no te preocupes que esta tarde voy yo y te lo llevo a casa.

- Gracias mami. Muackss Muacksss

Por la tarde mi madre me trajo el tarrito, y tras preguntarle como metía "eso" dentro, (cosa que no voy a explicar ahora, que me da hasta vergüenza), pues se fué dejándome el tarrito encima de la mesa del salón.
Ni que decir tiene que me pasé todo lo que quedaba de tarde y parte de la noche mirando el tarrito y pensando qué pasaría si por la mañana no tenía ganas de hacer "eso".
Voy a tomarme esta noche un bol de cereales, me dije, por si las moscas....

Llegó la mañana siguiente.. y yo, que soy una histérica, tres horas con el señor Roca a ver si me inspiraba. Jolín, al fin!!!, qué trabajito costó!!!.

Ya tenía "eso" dentro del tarrito, y claro.. no podía quedarme yo tranquila.. sino que empezaron las preguntas....

- ¿Será suficiente?, jo es que con los nervios no había manera, bueno... supongo que con un poco les bastará.. tampoco es plan de llevarles un saco de estiercol.. vaya ni que fuese una vaca.. .joder esta gente... pa que querrán analizarme "eso", si yo nunca hago "eso" en un sitio que no sea mi casa... ¿y si tiro "eso" y les hago una declaración jurada de que en el trabajo no me va a entrar ningún apretón? ¿colará?.
Uff y ahora... ¿dónde lo llevo? porque claro.. en una bolsa de plástico.. pues como que no.. aunque la bolsa sea de Polo Ralph Lauren.. no, no, no..., porque vaya que me encuentre a alguien de camino a la Mutua y me pregunte qué me he comprado... y joder.. no es plan de enseñarselo!!!.
Bueno.. lo voy a liar en tres bolsas de Mercadona... y lo meteré en el bolso.. aunque claro.. y si me pegan un tirón del bolso?? jolin, vaya sorpresa que se llevaría el ladrón, jajaa, y luego, tendria que poner la denuncia:

- Sr. Policía me han robado el bolso

- Y qué llevaba dentro?

- Pues el monedero con 20 euros, el D.N.I. , las tarjetas de crédito, el paquete de tabaco, las llaves de casa y del coche y un tarro con un poco de mier....

No, casi mejor que si me roban el bolso omita lo del análisis en la denuncia.

Bueno, pues asunto resuelto, lo llevo en el bolso.

Y ahí que me fui yo a la calle, camino de la Mutua, que afortunadamente estaba cerca de casa.
Eso sí, llevaba el bolso agarrado con una fuerza sobrehumana, vaya, que si hubiese llevado veintemil euros no lo hubiese agarrado tanto.

Y al fin llegué a la Mutua.

- Hola soy _azul, tenía una cita para hacerme un reconocimiento médico.

- Espere un momento...

Media hora duró el "momento" y yo allí sentada con mi bolso agarrado como si me fuese la vida en él.

- Tenga el tarrito para la muestra de orina.

- Gracias, uhmm eeeee, pues verá.... es que... uhmmm, también traigo "el otro".

- ¿El otro? ¿cual?

- Pues... el que me dijeron que trajese.

- No sé a que se refiere

- Es que.. pues.... me dijeron que tenía que traer una muestra de heces.

- Ah, no, no hace falta.

(Joder, ¿no hace falta?, ¿ahora me dices que no hace falta con la noche que he pasado pensando en el tarrito de los huevos? !!ahora te quedas con el puto tarro!!)

- Ah bueno.. pues voy un momento al contenedor.


(Creo que después de este post se ha perdido todo mi encanto.. pero coñe... la culpa la tuvo la empresa.. y a ver... quien esté libre de pecado... que tire la primera piedra!!!)

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