Getting a Car Licence in Ohio...and surviving it
Last Friday I went to take my driving test. It was in Garfield Heights, about 30miles Northwest from Kent. The place: 14000 Broadway street aka: in the middle of nowhere. Well, I got a map route with mapquest and every single step was detailed. Getting lost was alledgedly impossible. We went with my girlfriend Chenmei´s car and everything was under control, when suddenly we saw the Exit 23 direction Broadway street. I instantly thought “ I love when everything goes like planned”. Chenmei signaled the exit and althought in my map that exit was still 8 miles ahead, how many Broadways streets can exist in the zone? It was then clear than the map was wrong and it provided with me with the claryfing fact: “Look, these fucking japanese computers and their virtual maps”.
Then we turned left as indicated in our map and we entered Broadway street. As expected. Now, finding the street’s number was just a matter of time. A piece of cake. Easy. The test was appointed at 4 o’clock. We were on time.
Well, because this street was infested with fast food restaurants and gas stations, looking at the number became a daunting task. But finally, we saw the first number: 2300. 2300? No. I just looked wrong. It is clear we are searching for a five digits number -14000-, I missed a zero. Next one: 2350. Ok. Then, it´s simple, our target it´s in the other direction –but it was kinda weird, because the map pointed out our destination within 100 meters and we just run about 2 miles. Doesn’t matter. The maps are always rong, everybody knows this. We went back.
After 10 minutes of backtraffiking, we found a critical point where numbers just jumped from 24000 to 2300.
“Ok, let’s go to that gas station and I will ask someone”. This were my word for saying: “I have no f** idea where we are”. I’m still little shy with my English, so I babbled a little to ask someone, but finally I got the courage: “sorre, wai re sarching fo Brodwa strat”. Because of his first two questions on me, that is the way he should have heard my question. After several rehearsals, the solution shined on me: yes, ok, it’s this—the firsts rays of light were coming-- but… wait a moment, where? Where I should go? That way? To take that bridge? No? That other? If I can see the green truck that now goes into it? Ah, yes, I see, so the problem is that Garfield Heights is not here? That we are still faaaar away from the real Broadway street? But… what’s going on here? Two streets with the same name near a highway exit, but 8 miles away?? I just wonder, what the f**! Caraj**! I keep this lasts expressions of Spanish emotion for my thoughts, while after being debrieded several times in a monkey style to avoid misinterpretetions I assured the guy I had understand the way.
10 minutes later we reach the test center. It was in the middle of a demilitarized-like zone. Now, phase 2 began: the test registration. Just enter, I wento into a shock. A thirty-four-people line was awaiting for me. Oh my G***! Now we were NOT on time, and I didn´t thought about the queing issue. But fortunately, there were seven different lines, all crawed, minus one. That for driving test takers. I couldn’t believe how lucky we were.
I provided my ID and the legendary red and blue papers and the officer just said something like: “Go out there and wait”. Where? Just out there?Outside you mean? The examiner will come later or what?. This were just private to-hard-to-answer-lost-for-ever thoughts. So, in a seemingly losty way, I went outside. Ok, so I guessed, maybe I have to place the car in front of that orange cones and wait?
After two minutes an officer came from nowhere. Wow! The American system is really impressive, I thought. Efficiency to the limit. But then, he just passed by. Mmm, may I call him? But at the time I did, he just opened a door in the test center building and disappeared. Mmm, I thought, was that normal? Ok, I await 5 minutes more. An eternity. Then the same officer came again. This time for real. He stoped in my left side and indicated to me to low the window. But then, because I didn´t master the car yet, I pushed the wrong button, an the left rear window lowered. Oh sh**! Suddenly, I pushed another one, trying to minimize my lack of craftiness, but this time the rear right window lowered. “Oh, oh” and I did the same opeartion with my right window, till the last button was the right one. I followed word y word the Murphy’s law: the key that opens always comes the last. By that time, the officer looked at me like Balrog from the Lord of the Rings movie.
“So” he said “May I have to expect you to know how to drive a car if you couldn’t open that window?” --Oops! This was not a good start. But the worst was still to come. He sat on the copilot’s seat and inmediately fastened two safetly belts. I didn’t noticed the existence of the second belt, so he added: “You don’t fast your safety belt??” “You know, --he added-- maybe you don’t like to follow the rules, but HERE, he paused, HERE we follow the law!”. Ouch! This sounded like my test’s death sentence.
After checking my skills with the intermittent lights, he sat again on my right side and ordered “ok, now drive forward and turn right”. I tried to start the car but nothing happened. Then, I collapsed. After few attempts he said “You cannot even start the car????” No! No! I started to shout desperately. At that point everything I thought I mastered was falling apart. I couldn’t see the police officer eyes, but I felt his penetrating look on me and thinking “What we have here? This guy is a real dumb, yeah!”
He was going to fail me for sure: “The test is over due to fail to start the car” he said. Come on, com onn!!! I thought, this is impossible, this is the stupidest way to fail a test. So I swore one and once again on him that I drove the car from the parking lot to here and there was no problem, the only "rational" explanation might be that the car suddenly broke up. “Then” he added, “ Are you a mechanic” Me? No! “So then you should call a car truck, it´s illegal to leave this car here…Call that number and do a reservation for another test driving appointment” It was like talking to an answering machine. He washed his hands –and I got a problem.
But CM solved the problem. She was the real hero! We called Triple-A. Now, deal with the customer service. All operators were full. 5 minutes waiting (packed with advertisement) and nothing. Finaly we left the cell on and wait….wondering how this could happen…”and do you know what?” I told her “When the truck will come, the funiest thing of this situations is that the car will start!”.
10 minutes. Nothing. 15. Nothing…and at least! The cell answered….Then I realized how bad still is my English. the assistance service asked me in a machine-like mood. “Do you want us to try to start the engine?” “I repeat the ID you gave us: 8934…” “Is that correct” and stuff like that.
They said they will last 1 hour maximum. It was 5.45pm. Then, my brain said: ok, just forget tonight’s scheduled party”. BUt unexpectedly, they just did it in 15 minutes. The truck came, and with him our solution. The driver was a girl, and we were allowed to drive with her till our home, but before taking the "ride", I asked in my best English “are you going to try to start it?” Ok! She said surprised. No problem. And then, easy as it gets, she took the key, she plug on it and….Brrrmmmm! Brmmm!!! Brmmmm!!!!! The car just started! I couldn’t believe it….The car started in front of us! Holy crab! CM started to laugh…I didn’t know what to do…
After, we went to PetsMarket and we made the touroperators in one Mall….the car started without problems all times. And finally, when we arrived home, I was driving and when I tried to take off the key….I redid the same mistake 2 hours before! I tried to take out the key without changing the gear to “P” position. So then the car didn’t started as before! CM take me by my neck and tried to strangle me ;). My GOodnesss!!!! So it was that! The fucking key? And the gear? But now, CM tried again and didn’t start…She take me off the car…She was frenetic…. I messed up with her car!!! Hehe. But then, the issue became more complex, because sometimes it started and sometimes not…But with a path: each time I tried, it didn’t. So it was me….Apparently. CM said she will never forget this day. Me neither….And what is more funny, is that probably this thing saved me from a “failed” in the driving test…Because the officer, truly thought it was a mechanical problem and not my fault, so he let me to come another day and retake the test without additional fee. Hi hi.
A show going on... Seconds before the revelation ;)
Then we turned left as indicated in our map and we entered Broadway street. As expected. Now, finding the street’s number was just a matter of time. A piece of cake. Easy. The test was appointed at 4 o’clock. We were on time.
Well, because this street was infested with fast food restaurants and gas stations, looking at the number became a daunting task. But finally, we saw the first number: 2300. 2300? No. I just looked wrong. It is clear we are searching for a five digits number -14000-, I missed a zero. Next one: 2350. Ok. Then, it´s simple, our target it´s in the other direction –but it was kinda weird, because the map pointed out our destination within 100 meters and we just run about 2 miles. Doesn’t matter. The maps are always rong, everybody knows this. We went back.
After 10 minutes of backtraffiking, we found a critical point where numbers just jumped from 24000 to 2300.
“Ok, let’s go to that gas station and I will ask someone”. This were my word for saying: “I have no f** idea where we are”. I’m still little shy with my English, so I babbled a little to ask someone, but finally I got the courage: “sorre, wai re sarching fo Brodwa strat”. Because of his first two questions on me, that is the way he should have heard my question. After several rehearsals, the solution shined on me: yes, ok, it’s this—the firsts rays of light were coming-- but… wait a moment, where? Where I should go? That way? To take that bridge? No? That other? If I can see the green truck that now goes into it? Ah, yes, I see, so the problem is that Garfield Heights is not here? That we are still faaaar away from the real Broadway street? But… what’s going on here? Two streets with the same name near a highway exit, but 8 miles away?? I just wonder, what the f**! Caraj**! I keep this lasts expressions of Spanish emotion for my thoughts, while after being debrieded several times in a monkey style to avoid misinterpretetions I assured the guy I had understand the way.
10 minutes later we reach the test center. It was in the middle of a demilitarized-like zone. Now, phase 2 began: the test registration. Just enter, I wento into a shock. A thirty-four-people line was awaiting for me. Oh my G***! Now we were NOT on time, and I didn´t thought about the queing issue. But fortunately, there were seven different lines, all crawed, minus one. That for driving test takers. I couldn’t believe how lucky we were.
I provided my ID and the legendary red and blue papers and the officer just said something like: “Go out there and wait”. Where? Just out there?Outside you mean? The examiner will come later or what?. This were just private to-hard-to-answer-lost-for-ever thoughts. So, in a seemingly losty way, I went outside. Ok, so I guessed, maybe I have to place the car in front of that orange cones and wait?
After two minutes an officer came from nowhere. Wow! The American system is really impressive, I thought. Efficiency to the limit. But then, he just passed by. Mmm, may I call him? But at the time I did, he just opened a door in the test center building and disappeared. Mmm, I thought, was that normal? Ok, I await 5 minutes more. An eternity. Then the same officer came again. This time for real. He stoped in my left side and indicated to me to low the window. But then, because I didn´t master the car yet, I pushed the wrong button, an the left rear window lowered. Oh sh**! Suddenly, I pushed another one, trying to minimize my lack of craftiness, but this time the rear right window lowered. “Oh, oh” and I did the same opeartion with my right window, till the last button was the right one. I followed word y word the Murphy’s law: the key that opens always comes the last. By that time, the officer looked at me like Balrog from the Lord of the Rings movie.
“So” he said “May I have to expect you to know how to drive a car if you couldn’t open that window?” --Oops! This was not a good start. But the worst was still to come. He sat on the copilot’s seat and inmediately fastened two safetly belts. I didn’t noticed the existence of the second belt, so he added: “You don’t fast your safety belt??” “You know, --he added-- maybe you don’t like to follow the rules, but HERE, he paused, HERE we follow the law!”. Ouch! This sounded like my test’s death sentence.
After checking my skills with the intermittent lights, he sat again on my right side and ordered “ok, now drive forward and turn right”. I tried to start the car but nothing happened. Then, I collapsed. After few attempts he said “You cannot even start the car????” No! No! I started to shout desperately. At that point everything I thought I mastered was falling apart. I couldn’t see the police officer eyes, but I felt his penetrating look on me and thinking “What we have here? This guy is a real dumb, yeah!”
He was going to fail me for sure: “The test is over due to fail to start the car” he said. Come on, com onn!!! I thought, this is impossible, this is the stupidest way to fail a test. So I swore one and once again on him that I drove the car from the parking lot to here and there was no problem, the only "rational" explanation might be that the car suddenly broke up. “Then” he added, “ Are you a mechanic” Me? No! “So then you should call a car truck, it´s illegal to leave this car here…Call that number and do a reservation for another test driving appointment” It was like talking to an answering machine. He washed his hands –and I got a problem.
But CM solved the problem. She was the real hero! We called Triple-A. Now, deal with the customer service. All operators were full. 5 minutes waiting (packed with advertisement) and nothing. Finaly we left the cell on and wait….wondering how this could happen…”and do you know what?” I told her “When the truck will come, the funiest thing of this situations is that the car will start!”.
10 minutes. Nothing. 15. Nothing…and at least! The cell answered….Then I realized how bad still is my English. the assistance service asked me in a machine-like mood. “Do you want us to try to start the engine?” “I repeat the ID you gave us: 8934…” “Is that correct” and stuff like that.
They said they will last 1 hour maximum. It was 5.45pm. Then, my brain said: ok, just forget tonight’s scheduled party”. BUt unexpectedly, they just did it in 15 minutes. The truck came, and with him our solution. The driver was a girl, and we were allowed to drive with her till our home, but before taking the "ride", I asked in my best English “are you going to try to start it?” Ok! She said surprised. No problem. And then, easy as it gets, she took the key, she plug on it and….Brrrmmmm! Brmmm!!! Brmmmm!!!!! The car just started! I couldn’t believe it….The car started in front of us! Holy crab! CM started to laugh…I didn’t know what to do…
After, we went to PetsMarket and we made the touroperators in one Mall….the car started without problems all times. And finally, when we arrived home, I was driving and when I tried to take off the key….I redid the same mistake 2 hours before! I tried to take out the key without changing the gear to “P” position. So then the car didn’t started as before! CM take me by my neck and tried to strangle me ;). My GOodnesss!!!! So it was that! The fucking key? And the gear? But now, CM tried again and didn’t start…She take me off the car…She was frenetic…. I messed up with her car!!! Hehe. But then, the issue became more complex, because sometimes it started and sometimes not…But with a path: each time I tried, it didn’t. So it was me….Apparently. CM said she will never forget this day. Me neither….And what is more funny, is that probably this thing saved me from a “failed” in the driving test…Because the officer, truly thought it was a mechanical problem and not my fault, so he let me to come another day and retake the test without additional fee. Hi hi.
A show going on... Seconds before the revelation ;)