Inner thoughts
I’ve been quite quiet lately. One of the reasons is that I thought I was devoting too much of this space to talk about my sentimental problems. And more than likely, people were already tired of reading the same thoughts over and over again. But today I thought that everybody is free to read or not this blog. So, if you think I’d better move on with another facets of my life or whatever, exit the site and go read something else. This is my space to vent. And, Jesus, how do I need to vent… I’ve been in Cambridge for a few months and don’t have anybody to talk to about this thing which is bothering me almost every day. It feels much better when I write down my feelings and somehow know that a few people will read it and maybe one or two of them will understand my situation.
So there we go again…
Hi. My name is not Cziffra, I’m 30, only one ex-girlfriend on my life logbook, a couple of good friends and not as many enemies as I’d like. And I’m in love. Unhealthily in love.
Often people point out the pain underlying in the uncertainty of not knowing what the other part feels or thinks about the enamoured individual. But in certain cases, believe me, knowing is worse. Knowing that the other part is not interested is much worse. From that point on, life is a chain of hours to fill up with something that will take your mind away from the person that you have idolized. You can actively fight your feelings, and you might even see some improvement in the way you handle the situation, but, at the end, it’s only time the ultimate cure for your pain. Only time will heal your wounds.
I have decided to get rid of this obsession (how I hate that word) and some days I find myself doing pretty good. Some others, however, I’m hopeless and very little comes to my mind which is not related, in one way or another, to her. About six weeks ago I told her I liked her. She said let’s just be friends and hence closed the door definitely (despite my reticence to admit that) to a more intimate relationship, without saying it explicitly. Today, the only thing I regret about having told her that is that I cannot tell her again. And, God knows, I feel like telling her every day. Every hour. I’d change a word or two in my speech, sure. Like “I love you” rather than “I like you”. Things have evolved within me, for the worst. But there is no way I’ll ever talk to her in those terms again. It’s just a matter of self-respect. I need to suck it up.
Have you ever read or heard about physical signs meaning that the other person is interested in you? I have. They’re bullshit. I’ve been receiving a ton of them from her lately. I observe her very carefully whenever we talk. And before (say, until a couple of weeks ago, maybe only one week ago) there were none of those signs. Now, it’s slightly different. She plays with her hair about 80% of the time we talk. When we face each other, she crosses her legs, feet pointing towards me, and moves them up and down. She smiles often, open smiles, showing her upper teeth. She’s like a manual of positive signs to look for. Now, take this: that means nothing. Just the way she is. It happened lately just by chance, pure and simple chance. Because, many other times, within minutes of displaying those signs, she doesn’t give a damn. She acts like I don’t exist, some days I leave, I say bye to everybody in the office, people say bye… She doesn’t even open her mouth. And here I am, overanalyzing everything like life is eternal and I have nothing better to do.
Somebody warned me, not long ago, about people noticing my obsession and I’m aware I might be making a fool of myself. As I said, most of the days I do pretty well and manage to skip most of the idiotic thoughts that fight to install in my mind. A few other days weakness kicks in and I just have a constant thought throughout the day: “I’d do anything to kiss you”. Sounds like a high school girl’s thought? Sure. Pathetic? You bet. Stupid? Ok, hold on the criticism and put yourself in my place: sharing nearly 40 hours weekly with a person to whom you have the most intense sexual attraction you’ve ever experienced. Try to picture it, day after day, and then come back to me and tell me about being tough. It’s like a diabetic working in a cake shop: some days you do fine, some others you feel like a tiny piece of shit staring at the forbidden fruit.
There are plenty of opportunities for me to screw everything up. On a daily basis. Today, for example. She was wearing a tight top. It had a sentence on it: “I am the best FCUK”. The letters were rather worn out. It was difficult to read. But easy enough if you stared at it for a few seconds. A few more seconds than what one would consider polite, given that the text run across her chest. No need to say I read it pretty quickly. And said: "Cuerpo, for a second I misread what you top says”. She laughed, nervously, and replied: “The letters are quite blurred, people are not supposed to be able to read it. I only wear it because it fits really well with my jeans- (I wonder if that is true)- but I don’t really like what it says”. Then, I nearly screwed it up. I almost said “You know? Actually I agree with what it says”. I managed to keep my mouth shut, thanks God. There are plenty of examples like that one. I wonder if I can behave myself indefinitely. I want to believe that it’ll get easier with time.
I often fantasize about giving her the following quote: “If I ask you out, will your answer be the same as your answer to this question?” I wonder what she’d say.
I hope I’ll never find out. I feel like a goddamned drug addict trying to get out of the addiction.
A daily struggle. One day it’ll end, logic says. I’ve won a few battles already. Lost a couple, too. But I want to believe I will win this fucking war against myself.
Cziffra ipse dixit.
So there we go again…
Hi. My name is not Cziffra, I’m 30, only one ex-girlfriend on my life logbook, a couple of good friends and not as many enemies as I’d like. And I’m in love. Unhealthily in love.
Often people point out the pain underlying in the uncertainty of not knowing what the other part feels or thinks about the enamoured individual. But in certain cases, believe me, knowing is worse. Knowing that the other part is not interested is much worse. From that point on, life is a chain of hours to fill up with something that will take your mind away from the person that you have idolized. You can actively fight your feelings, and you might even see some improvement in the way you handle the situation, but, at the end, it’s only time the ultimate cure for your pain. Only time will heal your wounds.
I have decided to get rid of this obsession (how I hate that word) and some days I find myself doing pretty good. Some others, however, I’m hopeless and very little comes to my mind which is not related, in one way or another, to her. About six weeks ago I told her I liked her. She said let’s just be friends and hence closed the door definitely (despite my reticence to admit that) to a more intimate relationship, without saying it explicitly. Today, the only thing I regret about having told her that is that I cannot tell her again. And, God knows, I feel like telling her every day. Every hour. I’d change a word or two in my speech, sure. Like “I love you” rather than “I like you”. Things have evolved within me, for the worst. But there is no way I’ll ever talk to her in those terms again. It’s just a matter of self-respect. I need to suck it up.
Have you ever read or heard about physical signs meaning that the other person is interested in you? I have. They’re bullshit. I’ve been receiving a ton of them from her lately. I observe her very carefully whenever we talk. And before (say, until a couple of weeks ago, maybe only one week ago) there were none of those signs. Now, it’s slightly different. She plays with her hair about 80% of the time we talk. When we face each other, she crosses her legs, feet pointing towards me, and moves them up and down. She smiles often, open smiles, showing her upper teeth. She’s like a manual of positive signs to look for. Now, take this: that means nothing. Just the way she is. It happened lately just by chance, pure and simple chance. Because, many other times, within minutes of displaying those signs, she doesn’t give a damn. She acts like I don’t exist, some days I leave, I say bye to everybody in the office, people say bye… She doesn’t even open her mouth. And here I am, overanalyzing everything like life is eternal and I have nothing better to do.
Somebody warned me, not long ago, about people noticing my obsession and I’m aware I might be making a fool of myself. As I said, most of the days I do pretty well and manage to skip most of the idiotic thoughts that fight to install in my mind. A few other days weakness kicks in and I just have a constant thought throughout the day: “I’d do anything to kiss you”. Sounds like a high school girl’s thought? Sure. Pathetic? You bet. Stupid? Ok, hold on the criticism and put yourself in my place: sharing nearly 40 hours weekly with a person to whom you have the most intense sexual attraction you’ve ever experienced. Try to picture it, day after day, and then come back to me and tell me about being tough. It’s like a diabetic working in a cake shop: some days you do fine, some others you feel like a tiny piece of shit staring at the forbidden fruit.
There are plenty of opportunities for me to screw everything up. On a daily basis. Today, for example. She was wearing a tight top. It had a sentence on it: “I am the best FCUK”. The letters were rather worn out. It was difficult to read. But easy enough if you stared at it for a few seconds. A few more seconds than what one would consider polite, given that the text run across her chest. No need to say I read it pretty quickly. And said: "Cuerpo, for a second I misread what you top says”. She laughed, nervously, and replied: “The letters are quite blurred, people are not supposed to be able to read it. I only wear it because it fits really well with my jeans- (I wonder if that is true)- but I don’t really like what it says”. Then, I nearly screwed it up. I almost said “You know? Actually I agree with what it says”. I managed to keep my mouth shut, thanks God. There are plenty of examples like that one. I wonder if I can behave myself indefinitely. I want to believe that it’ll get easier with time.
I often fantasize about giving her the following quote: “If I ask you out, will your answer be the same as your answer to this question?” I wonder what she’d say.
I hope I’ll never find out. I feel like a goddamned drug addict trying to get out of the addiction.
A daily struggle. One day it’ll end, logic says. I’ve won a few battles already. Lost a couple, too. But I want to believe I will win this fucking war against myself.
Cziffra ipse dixit.
Comentario:
Oh, c'mon man... life's short and the shit is long. Don't care about the image you may or may not give of yourself. Do you like her? Or love here? No matter what, tell that to her.
Just don't be afraid of that. She wont destroy you if you dare to show your inner feelings. But she will, on long term, if you keep doing the same platonic thingie over and over.
Go forth!
Just don't be afraid of that. She wont destroy you if you dare to show your inner feelings. But she will, on long term, if you keep doing the same platonic thingie over and over.
Go forth!
Comentario:
Shit of Cziffra...I think I know a bunch of those kind of girls that you should be aware of, those girls you feel so pretty, so open so charming...those girls if you don't take care of yourself you feel falling in love with. You should have noticed it before, and you know it.
Man, just forget her, and if you can't, just tell her how do you feel, I don't mean you love her, but tell her she's hurting you even not knowing about it. If she is nice, and I bet she is, she will understand
Man, just forget her, and if you can't, just tell her how do you feel, I don't mean you love her, but tell her she's hurting you even not knowing about it. If she is nice, and I bet she is, she will understand
Comentario:
Has sacado tus sentimientos y los has plasmado aquà en tu blog, eso al menos te servirá para desahogarte. Lo único que puedo decirte es ánimo y que si necesitas hablar aquà estoy, aunque sea virtualmente.
Comentario:
Thanks :). It's improving with an inverse proportionality to my active social life I think...(I like physics... but the way I have to study it here is like hell :S) although I've not test my hypothesis quantitatively I'm sure it works qualitatively, at least... :).
Got to work.. Bye!
Ghiret
Got to work.. Bye!
Ghiret
Comentario:
That situation scared the shit out of me. I mean it. I wasn't strong or stupid enough to reveal my innermost feelings to him. You were. Yet I agonize over it again and again - I'm the butwhatiftype.
Comentario:
Ghiret, I'm atonished. Your english is certainly improving.
Way to go!
Way to go!
Comentario:
I think I understand your situation; except for the age, the not-so-extraordinary-job and the 40 hours a week thing, my situation is much pretty the same thing; with an error of about 40%. But trust me, enough to know how you feel.
From what you say you manage it better than I used to do... right now I've just accepted how not-like-a-dream life is and just try to get the most of everyday... and to do all my homework :).
About the telling-to-her thing... I just say out aloud what I feel... although in your situation, given the fact that you work together and so on... I don't know what I'd do... but I hope you solve it soon(wheter it means your interpretation of her body behaviour is wrong or you eventually get over her...)
Good luck! :).
From what you say you manage it better than I used to do... right now I've just accepted how not-like-a-dream life is and just try to get the most of everyday... and to do all my homework :).
About the telling-to-her thing... I just say out aloud what I feel... although in your situation, given the fact that you work together and so on... I don't know what I'd do... but I hope you solve it soon(wheter it means your interpretation of her body behaviour is wrong or you eventually get over her...)
Good luck! :).