Bueno, como el articulo de antes me ha quedado muy serio, ademas de que me ha sabido a poco (tantos dias sin subir nada nuevo, es normal), pues voy a hablaros del comportamiento de la gente en... la playa!!!
Si, amiguitos mios, no hay nada mejor para reirse un buen rato, que irse a la playa en domingo, cuando mas gente hay, y entretenerse observando la fauna que puebla las playas.
Para comenzar, tenemos al tipico "macho iberico", que es ese personajillo vestido con un bañador tipo slip, con el minimo de tela posible y marcando paquete, un pecho bien peludo, el pelo peinado hacia atras (normalmente suele irse a la playa peinado con gomina), alguna cadena de oro o crucifijo al cuello, la piel blanca debido a que no acostumbra a ir mucho a la playa a tomar el sol (suele considerar que es algo de mujeres y maricas), pero con los brazos morenos, lo cual nos indica que trabaja en el gremio de la construccion, y que a los diez minutos suele estar ya pegado en la barra del chiringuito, de pie logicamente, para que todas las mujeres lo admiren (es lo que el se piensa), con el mobil sujeto entre la cintura y el mini-bañador, y haciendo "posturitas" al beberse la cerveza. Otro destino posible es el de acabar caminado en plan macho por la orilla del agua, sacando pecho y encogiendo barriga, ya que asi se piensa que es el centro de atencion de las mujeres de la playa.
Este sujeto suele ir acompañado de alguna mujer de pelo amarillo-chillon, con unas raices bien negras, y unas cejas bien negras tambien, ya entradita en carnes, y que tambien luce un bikini minusculo (¿para revolvernos el estomago a los hombres?), marcando celulitis y luciendo michelin.
Esta pareja de especimenes suele ir acompañada de uno o dos crios, con nombres del tipo "Jossua", "Kevin", "Jeny", etc., que suelen ser los tipicos que van corriendo a todo trapo por la playa, levantando arena que suele acabar en los ojos de algun bañista que tomaba el sol.
Si mientras usted toma el sol escucha alguna frase del tipo "Me vas a comer la pipa del coño", "Jossua, como te ahogues te mato!" (esta frase la he escuchado muchas veces, palabra), "Jeny, no le metas arena en la boca a tu hermano" o parecidas, no lo dudes, provienen de estos especimenes.
Luego tenemos la tipica familia que va a la playa con su "monovolumen-patera", cargados de gente y de cosas.
Suelen llegar a la playa a eso de las nueve de la mañana, para conseguir aparcamiento, y nada mas aparcar proceden a ocupar la plaza de parking de al lado (o dos plazas, dependiendo del dia), para montar su mesa de camping (con su correspondiente mantelito a cuadros rojo y blanco), las sombrillas, el televisor enchufado a la toma del mechero del coche, las neveras cargadas de comida hasta la saciedad, etc.
A eso de las diez, una vez montado todo el campamento, van marchando hacia la playa, pero a turnos, ya que alguien a de quedarse a vigilar todo el campamento. Y a eso de las dos o las tres, es cuando empiezan a sacar tortillas de patatas, botellas de dos litros de refresco, jamon cortado en rodajas, o dependiendo del dia se traen hecha la paella de su casa. Y despues de comer, acaban las mujeres tomando el sol (en el parking normalmente, no se porque) y comentando las ultimas noticias del mundo del corazon, los maridos acaban durmiendo la siesta a la sombra (en el parking tambien), y los niños acaban en la arena construyendo castillos de arena, con el cuerpo embadurnado de protector solar. Que cuando tu tomas el sol, y en seco te levantas y te encuentras a "eso" jugando a tu lado, con una sustancia blanca y espesa que le chorrea por la espalda... ni os cuento el susto que te llevas!
Existe una variante muy habitual de esta especie que es la que no tiene monovolumen, y monta todo el campamento en medio de la playa.
Por cierto, esta ultima especie tiene gran habilidad en montar su campamento. Tu estas tan tranquilo tomando el sol, sin nadie a tu alrededor. A los cinco minutos abres los ojos y te encuentras rodeado de varios campamentos de estos, que gritan "jesica! no le tires arena a los ojos a tu hermano, y vente para aqui a comerte la tortilla o te parto la cara!".
Luego estan las especies "migratorias", es decir, los que vienen de paises nordicos en busca del calor de las playas de la Costa Dorada (donde yo vivo).
Estos sujetos al llegar aqui tienen la piel completamente palida (cuando llegan todos juntos a los hoteles, parece un viaje de alguna residencia de enfermos hacia Lourdes, en busca de su curacion).
La verdad es que los extranjeros que vienen aqui son un mundo aparte.
Suelen comer a eso de las once o doce de la mañana (cuando tu aun estas digiriendo el croissant que te has comido hace un rato para desayunar), y sus comidas parecen bacanales romanas (lo que comen y beben los jodios!). Y te los puedes encontrar cenandose un pollo al'ast (cada uno!) a las ocho de la tarde, o una racion doble de paella, o cualquier plato parecido.
En la playa suele ser gente silenciosa, a excepcion de sus parientes alcoholicos (aunque gran parte de su silencio es porque padecen la enorme resaca de la juerga de la noche anterior), y son las unicas personas capaces de ponerse a tomar el sol al mediodia, aguantando dos horas seguidas boca arriba, y dos horas seguidas boca abajo, sin levantarse de la toalla.
Total, que si sales por la noche, los distingues rapido... Son los unicos que tienen la piel rojo fluorescente!!! Aunque caminen en la mas oscura de las tinieblas, tu los ves claramente.
Ademas, para salir, suelen vestirse con la ropa de colores mas horteras y chillones que han comprado en el mercadillo de ropa que han visitado por la mañana (por cierto... ¿en su pais tambien se la pondran para salir de juerga?).
Luego tenemos al soltero de turno, que se va a la playa el solo, con un bañador de los años sesenta o setenta, y cuya unica obsesion es mirar a las mujeres que hacen top-less. Suele tumbarse boca abajo en su toalla para que nadie le vea la "tienda de campaña".
Tambien tenemos a la parejita fogosa que pasa de todo y da rienda suelta a su amor, y que son capaces de estarse seis horas seguidas metiendose mano, y descubriendonos que existen mas posturas aparte de la tipica del misionero. Al cabo de las seis horas de "juego previo", suelen acabar abrazados dentro del agua, y produciendo unos "jadeos sospechosos".
En la orilla de la playa podemos encontrar a los dos tios tipicos jugando con las raquetas, los cuales tienen la firme creencia de que estan solos en la playa, y que los pelotazos que a todos nos han dado alguna vez no duelen (de ahi que te peguen un pelotazo, se te quede la marca de la pelota grabada en la piel, y que en vez de pedir disculpas te digan "tio, me pasas la bola?"). Existe la variante de los jugadores del plato volador o futbol, en los cuales cambia el objeto usado, pero que para el caso vienen a ser lo mismo.
Y ya para ir acabando, tenemos a los que yo llamo "el capitan pescanova", que son los que ataviados con una colchoneta o barca hinchable, se lanzan mar adentro a la conquista de lejanas tierras, y que muchas veces tienen que ser socorridos por la Cruz Roja, al no poder regresar a tierra.
Existe la variante peligrosa de los "capitanes de patinete de agua". Si se encuentran con alguno de estos, les recomiendo que se alejen un minimo de 200 metros de su lado, ya que tienen la firme creencia de que delante suyo no hay nadie, y que si ven algo flotando delante suyo con forma redonda, en ningun caso sera una cabeza.
Y la variante mas peligrosa de esta especie son los que en vez de utilizar una colchoneta o patinete, alquilan una moto de agua, y se dedican a hacer slalom entre los bañistas.
Y si cuando vamos a la playa nos situamos cerca de las rocas que la delimitan, podremos observar en accion al "gran cazador", que suelen ser gente de mediana edad cuya unica obsesion es la de buscar mejillones o cualquier tipo de especie animal con la clara intencion de meterlos en la paella que cocinaran por la noche. Pueden tirarse hasta seis horas dejandose la planta de los pies y los dedos encaramandose a las rocas.
Y para terminar, tenemos la ultima especie, que es el friki que se dedica a observar al resto de especies, para luego ponerlas a parir en su pagina web.
Ahi queda eso.

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